never play flip cup with pint glasses
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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