Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have fence marks all over my body
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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