I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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