Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
