life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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