I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize