i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
