genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
