I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
