Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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