Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
