Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
