His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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