good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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