so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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