I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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