My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
