can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
