If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize