i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
