whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
