I puked a lego.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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