I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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