Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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