Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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