Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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