Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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