guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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