I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
