I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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