someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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