can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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