before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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