One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
