Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
