My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize