i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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