I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
