I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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