I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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