he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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