cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
