Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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