There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
