my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
