what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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