I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize