I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize