1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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