If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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