he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She bit a glass in half.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
