cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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