you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
