when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
