I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't turn off my feet"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
