his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize