he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
