i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
